my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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