I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
