While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
