I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Randomize
