bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
