Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Randomize
