She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
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