So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
