The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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