My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
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