I feel like I'm in dance class right now
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Let's get the cat blown out
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
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