apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
