if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Randomize
