what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Randomize
