Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
