For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
