so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
