I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize
