The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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