I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Randomize
