why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
