wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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