tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Randomize
