theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
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