Is it possible to be promiscuous but in a classy way?
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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