I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
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