kristin has been a bad kristin
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
