Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
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