I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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