I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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