I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Randomize
