my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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