The maid of honor just puked.
shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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