I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
