glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Randomize
