I think I died a long time ago.
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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