Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
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