Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
