Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
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