I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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