I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
