I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
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