my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
