Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
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