New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
