I'm pants shitting drunk right now
im drinking this country out of the recession.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
