I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
