The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
