if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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