Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Randomize
